Puzzletome Home Page Puzzletome
Discuss all aspects of the Puzzletome website
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Post new topic   Reply to topic
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Titanium22
your chamber lye breeds fleas


Joined: 14 Sep 2003
Posts: 12253

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2003 4:55 pm    Post subject: Joke thread Reply with quote

I thought I would start a new thread for jokes - but with a proviso. They don't have to be original, but they must be clever, amusing and include something related in some way to riddles, puzzles or problem solving...


T22
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Titanium22
your chamber lye breeds fleas


Joined: 14 Sep 2003
Posts: 12253

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2003 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along
came a guy named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass
New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that
Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able
to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says.
"Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains?
Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit......"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture
he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get
that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Each a da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree
n dirty tree' n dirty tree - dat's 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker,
so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use
100."
Vinny stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture once again,
makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go,
Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts
if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the
trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a shit on each a dem trees,
so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd,
dirty tree an' a turd - which makes one hundred. Bada boom!!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ckmcheetah
Lets meet as little as we can


Joined: 21 Sep 2003
Posts: 1157
Location: Grand Canyon State

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The not so dumb blonde:

There once was a sneaky lawyer who was sitting next to a blond woman in an airport terminal. The lawyer was getting bored so he decided to amuse himself by taking money from the blond. So he went up to her and said "Let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you get it wrong you give me five dollars. Then you ask me a question and if I get it wrong I'll give you 500 dollars, OK?" The blond was reluctant to play but after coercing her, the lawyer got to play.

He asked this question: "What's in the middle of nowhere?" The blond pondered for a little while, opened her pocket book, and took out five dollars, which she gave to the man. With joy the lawyer said "Ok, your turn"

The blond replies with this:

A) I am white's first move in the game of kings I have how many choices?

B) Number of ways of winnings 0s and Xs

C) "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Every wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kitts. Kitts, cats, sacks, wives, how many were going to St. Ives?"

D) How many rings not owned by elves?

U = (CD) + (AB)

U = The answer

Please use BODMAS, also spell your answer, for example 2 would become two. And lastly good luck!

The lawyer was dumbfounded, he tried every resource at his fingertips by using his laptop, he called of his friends at the firm, and tried whatever he could, but could not get the answer. He was forced to give the blond the money. As he did so he said "Hey lady, what was the answer?"

The blond pondered for a little while, opened her pocket book, and took out five dollars...

------

Note: NR 1.48 was not part of original riddle, but it fits so well here that I could not resist
_________________
Everyone is different, no two people are not on fire...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Titanium22
your chamber lye breeds fleas


Joined: 14 Sep 2003
Posts: 12253

PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2003 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ckmcheetah wrote:
Note: NR 1.48 was not part of original riddle, but it fits so well here that I could not resist

Hmmm... nothing, but nothing, about NR 1.48 is amusing. Although I have to admit your joke made me laugh...!! Very Happy


T22
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mightyshortadam
Contemptuous base born callet


Joined: 21 Sep 2003
Posts: 482
Location: And for your personal pleasure...

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2003 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

(insert maniacal laughter)

That was funny.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Rebecca
Thou whoreson cullionly barbermonger


Joined: 16 Sep 2003
Posts: 128
Location: Perth

PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2004 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oldies but Goodies

Quote:

First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


and

Quote:

WARNING: CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in
the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying,

"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause
this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on,
get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your
room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you
may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard
her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank
you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding,
we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have
a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

_________________
Growing old is INEVITABLE. Growing up is OPTIONAL
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
FalconNL
Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat


Joined: 17 Sep 2003
Posts: 60
Location: Holland

PostPosted: Mon Apr 12, 2004 10:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL. Those two are brilliant! Thumbs up
_________________
Never give up, keep on playing
Visit www.hadtoplayon.com

The Evolution is coming!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ASA
Thou craven dread-bolted clotpole


Joined: 03 Feb 2004
Posts: 5181
Location: Adelaide, Australia

PostPosted: Wed Apr 21, 2004 5:37 am    Post subject: THE HOKEY POKEY, Shakespearean Style Reply with quote

To go with our rankings:

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within

Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.

A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.

Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt

Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
FatherChristmas
Leave thy vain bibble-babble


Joined: 29 Jan 2004
Posts: 741
Location: bristol UK

PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three men walk into a bar. What colour was the bear? Its a disasterous year for crackers (just for a change) Did anyone see a good cracker joke? Is this a UK phenomenon only? Happy Christmas, everybody.FC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
theandygrant
This is the foul fiend Flibbertigibbet


Joined: 07 Feb 2004
Posts: 1264
Location: The Lethargic Dodecahedron

PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What did the first Snowman say to the second Snowman?

Can you smell carrots?

Very Happy Well, it made me laugh! Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Rosie Ragdoll
Drunkenness is thy best virtue


Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 2426
Location: Hove actually

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a little late but it is the day for an extended family Christmas dinner with CRACKERS so my offering is:

What did Dracula say as he bit into the neck of Santa Claus?

This is really going to sleigh you!!

Rosie

(It sounds better after the first two bottles)
_________________
The Lady Rosie has been ensorcelled.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group